there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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