I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
