I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
