i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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