Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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