did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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