i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
What drink are we having for lunch?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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