OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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