Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
