OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
