What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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