I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
