he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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