Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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