Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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