i would punch a child for taco bell
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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