she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
