James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
