I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
