i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
