He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
