I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
