Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
