Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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