i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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