did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
