hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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