She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
