first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
