How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
