im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
