im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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