If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Girls should come with a carfax report
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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