Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Your cock deserves a montage
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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