he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
