I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
