why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
