Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
