she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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