I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
