i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
