I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think your dad took our porno
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
