moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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