Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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