More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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