Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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