My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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