I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
