Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
