I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
